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When the world first started tipping a bit, I wanted to avoid giving the subject that has overtaken our normalcy any of my words. As it has continued to gain momentum I began to feel compelled to express my feelings about it — perhaps as a way to get it all out, but also because I think that someday it will be important that I wrote it down. Folks are using their gifts more loudly these days. I see virtual choirs, ukuleles, mask-seamstresses, living room worship concerts, artwork. These are things I didn’t know I had been missing before. There’s a vulnerability that has exposed itself in us as we all collectively share in a new awareness of our fragility and cut out all of the extraneous things we used to take the most for granted.

I think we all feel forced into a situation we never could have imagined in our darkest thoughts. I have said for awhile that I don’t think anyone likes to be forced into anything. It’s very frustrating. No one likes to be shushed. No one likes to be stuck. No one likes their freedom taken from them. This kinda hits those buttons, doesn’t it?

I am the most aware that there are people actually suffering terribly through this. I try every day to set down my own self-pity that tries to creep in and think more compassionately. My current reality is pretty cushy even though it challenges me daily. I have a house full of six of my family members and we have been sequestering for more days than most in preparation for the arrival of my mother-in-law. We very much wanted to create a safe place for her. We are desperately missing the four other remaining members of our family who are sequestering at their own home. We are unable to safely combine for the time being. In order to see them, my sweet man and I had a snack-break in camp chairs on one side of the gate in the driveway while my grandbabies and very pregnant daughter remained on the other side. We brought some games and puzzles from our game closet and some chocolate treats and visited without touching. Sweet agony, that. As my precious littlest granddaughter stretched her little arms through the holes in the fence, silently begging Mimi to hold her and touch her, I felt my heart struggle in a way I can’t quite put into words.

But we’re all healthy and provided for. SO much to be thankful for.

Cooking for six is a daily challenge. My sweet man got me an Instant Pot to try to help speed up some of the processes. I use it daily, both thankful and eye roll-y that I gave in to the fad. I admit it’s helping. I try to ration as much as I’m able without leaving anyone hungry. Is anyone else wondering how long their food will hold out?

I fight some personality flaws that creep like dark shadows into my mind. As a lover of well-supplied food sources (also known as a food hoarder), and a person that used hand-sanitizer more than the average bear LONG before all this ever happened (also known as a germaphobe), and a person who can deal with some things that act a lot like anxiety, this situation pushes my buttons — or perhaps I’ve studied my whole life for this. Ha! I’m well aware this is a good time to work through and put the worst of these to rest the best I can — applying coping mechanisms at full strength. I play my heart out on the piano. I take mornings to myself. I keep my worship music on to keep the bad stuff at bay. I am practicing speaking up for myself and what I need in amongst needing to please lots of people. Gosh, I need work. Help me, Jesus.

That was pretty honest, right? I know there are positive ways to spin all of this. I understand we will grow and be stronger. I know all the right things, but this is still hard. I’m willing to admit it. I would love to hear if any of you are struggling and how you find ways to cope. What things are you missing? What awarenesses are you having about yourself — lessons you’re learning? Would you comment and share? Could we join hands and hearts in a real way? Please join me with your thoughts and feelings.

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  1. Teri says:

    I find I am VERY triggered by those that consider this just a flu or cold and that more people are overcoming it than losing the battle to it. That is great, that is the outcome we are all hoping for. What gets me is while my family is following orders SAFE at home and supporting our essential workers, others are going about their day un-phased they may acquire and spread it, because they are healthy. Some wanting to get back in the saddle and work their non-essential jobs while the essentials are risking their lives with minimal protective wear. This self centered~ness will affect when my family can leave our home safely. The longer it takes everyone to comply, the longer we will all be in this position. While my kids and I are healthy and would most likely overcome this deadly virus, my husband is compromised, others lives are on the line here. Not only are we focused on his stage 4 metastatic cancer diagnosis and treatment, we now have to compensate for our irresponsible fellow beings not realizing being a carrier is a hazard. Not following the order to stay at home. Why? They are bored? Because it will affect the economy? This is not about being bored, running out of candles or the economy…… this is about saving lives. This is a time of inconvenience FOR ALL OF US. We need to band together. Get the kids off the playground equipment, tell the teens they can’t go to their friends and non one should be shopping for non-essential goods, especially as a family.

    Whew. I appreciate you allowing me to get that off my chest. I thank you for the opportunity! This is a sensitive topic for me (Can you tell?! There aren’t any bold or italics options!!!!). Life will not be the same for us (and others). I don’t want to live in fear and I won’t BUT everyone has a responsibility to help flatten the curve.

    I commend you all for being a family together from afar. Those hugs from your granddaughters will feel so good when we are given the clear! Take care in da UP. I miss seeing The Kirksey’s!

    • alison says:

      I wish I knew how to send enough love to our favorite Teri in the whole wide world!!!! Words cannot do your words justice or express how much I care. This IS about saving lives!! You’re so right. I had to get some food today (with all the dread in the world — I was literally shaking). I went in with a mask, gloves, coat, and hat covering my hair and then disinfected even my ear holes in the shower afterward — while others just marched through the store like it was a regular ol’ day. GRRRRRRR!!!! We are doing EVERY.THING. possible to keep Mom safe and hope that it does also help others who are actually struggling through this (like our dear friends!). I needed your encouragement as I feel sad today — missing them terribly. Thank you. But I can do it, and you can too, friend. Sending love from the whole family to yours. Praying…

  2. Deborah Falkowski says:

    I feel alot of your same anxieties. I don’t have my coping skills in place very well, so dealing is a little harder. My faith and my husband are my strength. My worrying can overwhelm sometimes. I want to take care of my parents, my children, my grandbabies ( ha!) and friends and I’m trapped at home, trying not to get sick. Please pray for me, and the world.❤

    • alison says:

      I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling, Debbie. It’s to be expected for all of us, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Lots of Scripture and encouraging words to combat the worry and fear. I take it like doses of medicine. I heard someone say they aren’t STUCK at home, but SAFE at home and that helped my perspective. I hope it does for you as well. If you and your sweet husband would like to FaceTime with us at any point, please say so. We miss you terribly. Praying…

  3. Melissa says:

    This is tough and I think it is important to acknowledge that and work through the feelings we are all having. There is fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration and so many more that loose some power over us when we talk about them, give them over and think of other positive things. But I think it is also important to not give them too much room in our minds to grow. This is all so new, changing by the hour and we all have to wrap our heads around it. Speaking as a medical professional, it adds a whole new level when we actually talk about being in contact with and caring for those who are sick when we feel woefully undersupplied but really, we all have that chance when we leave our homes and without the PPE.
    I’m right there with you here, trying to stay informed but not obsess. Empathize with my friend-deprived sad teens yet remember those who are dying alone, terrified health care workers and those struggling with this in many ways.
    We all can just do our best, pray, extend lots of grace and keep pressing forward. ❤️

    • alison says:

      I L.O.V.E your words, Melissa. The feelings are so real and valid and run the gamut and may change per hour. Good to feel them and then determine to move toward the positive or how we can help someone else. Thank you for being one of the front-line workers available to care for those who need care. Your last sentence says it ALL. Love you so much. PLEASE take the most care with my sister. <3

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